Jupid's Arrow
by BleachedMerc
Summary: Geppetto and friends find out the hard way that Cupid's not the only one with arrows.
1. Chapter 1

Whoa! Do I feel bad for you guys! That last author was a little TOO intense.

But don't worry boys, I won't bite. *giggle*

So yeah, the last couple chapters SEEMED to be pretty conclusive and… explosive. But luckily for us, that last author didn't have an eye for contour. But I do~!

So yeah, we're going back to Sora! Oooh! That hunk of MEAT is just too good. Yum. Oh and the ham looks delish too.

The scene before him was beautiful. The sun hung in the sky like a sultry lamp on a dark evening. Despite the fading hours, there was still a heat generated by the burning ball of passionate fire. Like a warm toasty fire on a cold winter's night.

Sora gazed out across the rolling, bucking waves as the seaform swelled along the sandy beaches of Destiny. His face was rigid and comtemplative, but not once did his firm blue eyes shimmy or shake. Instead they remained as fixed as the expression on his face. The cool gentle shadows hugged at the contours of his face and nibbled on his ears. His spiky hair moved in the gentle breeze. There was barely any force to the wind but it was constant enough to play with his shorts as they whipped about his knees!

Ah… I'm in love.

A single bite had been taken from the one remaining slice of plain bread, and like the forbidden fruit given to Adam, that one bite was enough..

Ah, just one bite more. Please.

Still in his rigid posture, the wind now howling at his face, he lifted the slice of plain heaven and took one bite more.

In a brisk and timely fashion, Sora chew vigorously and his face scrunched into a tirade of comical poses.

"Mmm!" He remarked, "This bread ain't bad."

NOT BAD?! I SLAVED OVER THAT BREAD AND ALL IT IS, IS NOT BAD?! THE NERVE! YOU REPUGNANT LITTLE TWERP! I'LL SHOW YOU!

The winds picked up force and blew the tiny synthesis of wheat and flour away from the nauseating do-gooder. The feeble, disgusting youth raised his arms to shield himself from the gusting winds. But it was in vain, for the winds had distracted him from the raising water level of a turbulent ocean.

A tsunami-style wave reached high until it totally eclipsed the descending sun and towered mightily over the flea-sized munchkin hero. Any moment it threatened to envelope him and send him crashing into the rocky cliffs behind him.

And it did.

Like a great watery hammer, the wave crashed down and swept the mite of a hero and washed him away.

Something disasterous was about to visit the shores of Sora's home….

To be continued.


	2. Chapter 2

His water-drenched body was lodged in a crevice in the stony rock formation adjacent the beach. Displaced stones previously under the surface of the water were gathered around him.

Somehow in the commotion, he had lost his grip on that slice of ham of his.

Oh well, it had lost its appeal in the last chapter anyway.

Blood dribbled from a gash on his forehead. Rips and tears could be found in his white and red attire. His knees were scrapped and black gunk clung to the creases of his slender legs. His brilliant yellow shoes were scuffed and they had lost their shine.

Blood pooled in and around his left eye socket, he kept that eye closed to keep it from irritating his actual eyeball.

"Wha? What happened?" He said in a mild haze, glancing up in the moonlight.

"Me." I said standing over him. My long plain black dress whipped about at my knees and I had my slender pale arms tucked under my chest. My bold army boots tapped to a rhythm in my head upon the sand. My bangs probably should have been trimmed more before my big debut because they covered my face down to my nose and completely concealed my eyes. Or they would have had my eyes not ominously shone yellow behind the silky veil.

"Well, would you look at that." Jiminy Cricket announced leaping up from Sora's hood. Somehow he was unaffected by my splash attack.

"Vermin." I merely said, raising my foot about to curb-stomp the little sordid champion of light and truth that _quivered_ before me.

Suddenly, instead of cowering in fear like a good little whelp, he laughed.

LAUGHED!

My foot hovered above him, the heavy army boot threatening to come down of its own weight had I not possessed awe-inspiring strength.

He tilted his head slightly and smiled. The blood began to crust around his eye and upon his lips.

I couldn't believe my eyes. My vision blurred and the man before me suddenly looked about ten years older, but only in the face. "The… hell you laughing at?!" I demanded.

Sora's right hand felt around the rocks looking for a stable handhold, his hand slipped and a barnacle sliced it open, straight through the glove.

Sora either didn't notice, or didn't care, because he kept feeling around until he found that firm hand hold he was looking for. He shifted his weight carefully, and eased his large yellow footwear into a position to lift himself up.

Within moments he was standing over me.

OVER ME!

My foot came back down and my hands trembled. I looked up, my hair hindering my vision.

"What are you going to do? Kill me?" I asked, my voice breaking more than I'd have liked.

"No.. Why would I do that?" The youth asked in a serious tone.

"The wind, the tsunami.. I was behind them!" I exclaimed, "I was going to finish you off!"

Sora shook his head and placed his hand on my shoulder, his left hand. "And why would you do that? Anger? Frustration? You think you can write something and it makes it true? That the characters you write about are just going to vanish? That you can undo me so easily?"

I paused. He possessed a strength I had not expected.

His right hand outstretched and his keyblade, the Kingdom Key, appeared in a brilliant flash of light. His feet shifted and he took a low stance, he steadied his grip with his left hand as a guide.

I was petrified, I couldn't move

Sora remained perfectly calm, "Ask yourself, just who am I? What makes me who I am?!"

Despite being the middle of the night, a ray of sunshine erupted from the clouds overhead and bathed the two of us in the surreal light.

Trumpets flared and a flock of seagulls (..or maybe doves?) flew above us.

Angel feathers descended from the heavens and disappeared into sparkling flakes upon the sand.

A funky looking midget in a diaper hovered in the air. His face was cheerful and radiant. His eyes were closed and he looked perfectly at peace.

He reached behind his back and unslung his cute little bow and readied a shining white arrow from his holy quiver. It sparkled with a brilliant light and pearls of energy swirled around it.

The weird baby's right eye opened up and he looked at me in a strange all-knowing way.

_Cupid! I am in love!_

Jupid stuck his tongue out and released the arrow without remorse.

The blazing red arrow shot from his bow like a laser beam from some high-budget James Bond flick and burned a two foot hole into the ground behind me. I comfortably burned away. Heck, I had to, I didn't get a chance to scream.

A single wooden stick dropped and lodged itself in the soft sand.

Sora bent down and picked it up. He gave it a quick gentle toss and caught it in his wounded hand. "What's this?"

Roo bounced over, and took the Pooh stick from our dumbstruck hero. He consequently returned it to the Fellowship of the Pooh.

The End.


	3. Chapter 3

Wow. I'm actually speechless. Step away from my post for a bit and suddenly all this happens. Oh well, it was to be expected really.

Man, that's just so Jupid.

See, this is how it goes down, folks. _Cupid_, the little happy-go-getter that shoots couples with that little spark that makes them do _crazy_ things like book out the floor of a motel for the week, _he_ goes around shooting lovelorn folks.

But Jupid? Jupid is a weapon of mass destruction and divine retribution. He descends from dark turbulent clouds in a column of out-of-place sunlight, raining _holy smokes!_ on daft individuals too stupid to do as they're told.

You ever heard of the mild football enthusiast Justy Heinz? No, I thought not, and that just proves my point now don't it?

So Jupid vanquished our nameless bottomfeeder/narrative-deprived verb-user.

Now, you'd think after an awesome _boss battle_ like that, this story would be done and finito. Well, you'd be wrong, and if so, you're probably dangerously close to having a visit from Jupid yourselves.

If you think you're one of those people then that improves your chances of survival, cuz you're smart enough to know it's a possibility. Jupid likes smart people. Jupid likes smart people a lot.

Oh well, Jupid is what Jupid does, I guess. Not my place to say otherwise. (Though I do point him in the right direction from time to time. See chapter 3)

So what's there left to read about I hear you say? Well, lots of stuff, but I'm going to skip over Sora's lengthy hospital visit and the two doctors Jupid axed in the process. Nope, instead I'm going to focus on a little place called _Deep Jungle_.

Wow, what a name, right? Don't worry it's not the name I would have given it. And you're right, for this story we _should use the name I give it, shouldn't we?_

So yeah, story takes place on a little vegetable garden in the Kingdomverse called "Jupid's Playground."

It's a place where Phil Collins' voice echoes from seemingly nowhere, monkeys can talk but leopards can't. Where women fall in love with monkeys and monkeys shit out gummi bricks.

Yeah, it does sound like the next logical destination doesn't it?

So okay! Backstory time. So these two presumably normal people manage to barely survive a burning boat with their infant son and swim to the shores of a dense forest. Whoo-boy, dense is right. Now, by some miracle they survive the knock on death's door, only to have some sideways jackass writers kill them off in the next scene. Yeah, that miracle sure did them a lot of good, and some 5-bucks-an-hour pencil pusher just signed onto the "Jupid-in-three-days-or-less" repayment plan.

Anyway so good little bedwetter… let's call him Tarstain, Tarstain gets rescued and subsequently raised by wild, untame, soulless beasts called _gorillas_. Because we all know that the logical thing didn't happen and they didn't just eat the kid for breakfast.

Yeah, Jupid's going to have fun here.

Anyway, peace exists in the jungle and little Tarstain grows up into a spear-wielding surfer dude who wrestles leopards with his bare hands, unwittingly fending off the exact same beast what did slew his parents. Okay, yeah, I still blame the writers for that one too.

Then commercialism shows up. A young lass from the city with _way_ too much free time on her hands arrives at the shore, and for whatever reason she brings along a gun-toting knuckle-dragger along with. Yeah, that's about the time I figured Jupid would show up too, but nope!

They go walking into a dense bamboo thicket and decide, yup, you guessed it, to break and set up camp. And if they weren't attracting attention enough already, they set up plenty of fragile shiny things for all the animals to play with. I mean, who doesn't want a free Bunsen burner?

So cue Phil Collins and insert lovey-dovey crap here. Yeah, I dunno, maybe Cupid was really bored, or maybe he figured it was way past time for him and his wayward cousin to tag-team something. Either way, Tarstain and that young lass whose name eludes me begin to elope. I mean, I guess that's expected, it is the first time that poor sod's seen boobs. Anyway, they started getting real cozy when-

Oh noes! Layton! The gun-wielding freak goes ballistic! Who didn't see that one coming? And where do they find these guys? Some disgruntled Ma-and-Pa firearms boutique?

And then, as if the writers didn't deserve a _laserbeam from a baby_ already this _next part_ _kills_ _me!_

"Hoo hoo, not Layton."

. . . . . .

Wow. Okay. I guess that makes sense to a naked guy running around the jungle named after a smear on pavement.

But for those of us that don't fit that description, I'll explain what's going on.

Tarstain is stupid and so are all of his friends.

Now, you can make excuses. Maybe that burning passion in his loincloth short-circuited his brain, maybe Ann or whatever only graduated with a bachelor's degree. Perhaps those Bunsen burners were burning something they shouldn't have been. I don't know. I don't do drugs. This is 100% natural fed with artificial sweetener.

And then again _maybe_ monkeys are just stupid.

Regardless of the why, they believed him and that! That right there, my friends, that spelled out their doom.

Yup, you guessed it!

Some weird Pooh Stick tree decided enough was enough and it came crashing down on the lot of them.

The end.


	4. Chapter 4

Jeez, I can't keep you guys happy.

So it was brought to my attention that Jupid wasn't actually in the last chapter and that's driven my fans to start flooding my mailbox with letter bombs, hate mail and provocative pictures. Thank you Cindy and Josephine, but I have someone special. Oh, who? Yeah, me and Cable have this thing called bodyslide-by-two. We're practically inseparable.

So to take a departure from the last couple chapters, this time around we're going to focus on something serious: Disney Castle.

Good sweet lordy-lord.

Who built that place and why?

It looks like someone took dirt, bricks, and Dr. Suess tossed them in a blender and then chucked the concoction at the wall. It dripped off, hardened and then they built a castle on it.

Like training equipment for dummies, this place is fitted with all kinds of strange gadgets and gizmos (No not the young rockstar with the buck teeth) that no one can wholly expect or explain.

And it's become a haven for some of the strangest, most bizarre creatures in the kingdomverse. And surprising, it's rather devoid of those black icky creatures that show up elsewhere.

Now let's see. The inhabitants of this place are a pair of mice, a couple ducks, a walking trainwreck and two chipper chipmunks.

Now, as far as I can tell, Chip & Munk graduated from the nearest treehouse with a minor degree in robot engineering, herbalism and have little aprons that add plus five to their intelligence. Consequently I believe they build all the crazy contraptions.

I'm a bit of a tinkerer myself, as you'll soon find out later.

I'm skipping over the walking trainwreck, he's not in this story. If he bobs pass you, I'm sure you'll know who he is and if you point him out you're obviously a bad person, cuz it's not nice to point.

Now those ducks, they act like they're all high and mighty but they're not. I mean, you can't even tell what they're saying. They quack and quack and quack, but I'm not getting it. Which I don't think is the improper response because they quack at each other and frankly I don't think either of them understand duck any more than we do.

And then for some strange reason, forgetting all about the laws of the jungle, the mice are king and queen.

How they're suppose to wear crowns without a drawstring I'll never understand. Have you seen a mouse? Yuck! And don't even get me started on their potential to carry diseases.

And you know what happened? No, not Pooh sticks, what are you, daft?

No, those ducks got power hungry and began trying to eat the mice. The mice didn't go down without a fight and one of the ducks choked on the little rodents. The other one ate his and consequently died of .

Now surprisingly, the chipmunks didn't do a damn thing to try and help their rodent brethren, instead they put themselves into a pair of miniaturized cannons and caused themselves an accident.

Suppose that's what happens when you spend all your time studying engineering and don't pay more attention when you're measuring out gunpowder.

Now, those are only the citizens of Disney Castle. Toontown (Don't ask) is the village that lies outside the castle and pretty damn fast they found themselves without a king.

At first they tried to decide on a new king, but when it looked like George W. Bush might get elected, they did the right thing and tried to hire Jupid.

Now, Jupid was a little hesitant to accept another contract job after the last one, but when the dang population all failed to send the letter out properly, he quickly realized their plight and put them out of their misery.

The end.


	5. Chapter 5

Twilight Town.

What a let down..

I mean here I was all excited thinking that I'd get to see sparkling vampires and shit. Maybe run into that weird freak the crazy chicks go ape-crazy over and get him to sign my mask..

But no, I get this instead.

A nearly deserted city that looks eerily similar to Silent Hill, disappearing little girls in white dresses and what I can only describe as zip up sock monsters that want to devour your soul. Seriously, go look up creatures from the X-Men comics and I'm sure you'll find Nobies in there somewhere.

But I got to give credit where it's due. That new hero, Backpack, man he's awesome! Wouldn't I like to strap him to my back and go on gnarly adventures.

So while me and Backpack are having a grand old time suddenly I realize how twisted the Kingdomverse really is.

Backpack's not real.

Apparently he's one of the jumpsuit sock-puppets. I mean, who saw that one coming. Suddenly I was reminded of that movie Body Snatchers and I decided that the only way I was getting out alive was to obliterate every grandma, kitten, Vivi, and accessory shoppe in the area.

Then lo and behold!

Sora was released from the hospital. Yeah, that's right, that hospital he went to.. "Ansem's clinic for battered and abused heroic individuals," it's in Twilight Town.

So there I am, some weird funky, animated pair of white shorts in my hand and across from me is a bandaged proven hero just saying his goodbyes to one of the most buxom nurses I've ever seen!

Way to go hero!

Anyway, so I make myself scarce with my crazy mad skills, when suddenly it dawns on me. Sora doesn't have anywhere to shop!

Too bad, at least he's safe from the mutants from the Twilight Zone.

GASPERS! I get it now!

So I pack up and climb into my Gummi ship (courtesy of the bowels of a now-deceased gorilla), wave to nobody in particular and make my way to my next big destination.

AGRABAH!

Big beaches, women in skimpy outfits, yeah I was set and rearing to go!

Who'da thunk that I'd find myself in a near endless desert hanging out with some blue dude and a guy that hasn't had a bath about as long as me.

Course I don't have to worry about that, I wear Axe™ deodorant! That's right! I got chicks attacking me so much I gotta fend them off with two katanas and the butt of my machine gun!

Ah to be a celebrity.

Out in the desert . . .

With two other men.

Well, after I ditched Ali Baba and the forty fleas. I realized this place was totally boring. Why the heck is it in every game?

So I left them with a present. Writing my name in the snow as it were I left a biiiiiiiiig old "Hi how ya doin? Why can't you focus on something other than Agrabah or heck, if you gotta do Agrabah, focus on the TV show or the _other_ movies… Jer-"

Yeah, I kind of ran out of steam. I mean, it _is_ the frickin' _desert_.

So hopping back into my Gummi Ship and blasting off toooooo

HALLOWEEN TOWN

Man, I should have come here first. Costume? Check. Cute wittle plastic pumpkin head bowl thingie? Check. Mace to fend of kids that want their candy back? Double check!

So I scooted over to the nearest door, knocked politely (but vigoriously) and put on the best happy kid face I could under a sweaty red and black mask.

"Trick or-?"

I stopped.

It was a freakin' zombie.

No, like for reals. I must have taken a detour and wound up in Raccoon City.

So the pins went flyin', the pineapples went after them.

Kaboom! Body parts went EVERYWHERE!

Some dude's hand landed on my shoulder. Yeah I was not a happy camper.

"Where is my freakin' candy?"

MP5s out now. Unloaded a clip into the crazy things. Suddenly I stopped shooting. I was surprised, no, shocked really.

"Santa Claus?" My arms went limp and I craned my head to the side.

"Ho ho ho, have you been a good boy this-"

Bang. Shot him.

Chump didn't give me the tricycle I wanted last year. Jerk.

I shot him again. Then mutilated his corpse with a full-auto burst.

"And that's for not writing BACK!" I whined.

Oh right, zombies.

And skeletons, skeletons wearing pin-striped coats.

"Well Pooh sticks to you!" I shouted, scattering bits of his exposed skull and tearing through the suit with my assault. It was sort of fun, gave you that "shootin' practice dummies" feelin'.

Then, a towering shadow crept over me, and a low ominous laugh was let out.

There was the faint sound of things skittering behind me.

Again, my arms went limp.

"Aw poop."


	6. Chapter 6

Whoa. Backpack got faaaaat.

Okay, so his name wasn't backpack, and he looked nothing like my former best buddy. His name was Oogie Boogie and _oogie moogie_.

"Ewwwww…" I said reeling away when he leaned in close and began sputtering out bugs.

"Bah-ha-ha-ha! Now what do we have here?" Oogie oogied and bounced in a way only a sack of bugs could as he walked around me, "My-my-my. What _DO_ we have here? You don't look like no do-gooder."

He gave me the eye. (How DOES he do that anyway, I mean.. do the bugs pull on the threads inside his face?)

"No…" I said, unsure how to proceed.

"And you DID just shoot poor olf Jack, now… didn't you?"

"I've shot guys named Jack, yeah. Just the other day I was in a place called Port Royal and-"

"Well, don't that just beat aaaaaalllll." He droned.

Okay bug boy, get to the point.

"Maybe," He shuffled in real close and wrapped his ( .. is that an arm?) around me, "You won't mind doing a favor for ME?"

"Like what exactly, I mean I do-"

"Why, find the KEY-hole, of course."

Yeah! Yeah! You know what I did!

I shot him. Repetitively.

"Find the keyhole," I mocked, "What kind of fruitcake-?"

Anyway, so I hopped back into my Gorilla-butt Gummi Ship and set my coordinates for my next stop off.

But wouldn't you know it, that's another story. What I'd like to focus on instead is what our good pal, Sora was up to.

So Sora, Goofy and Donald-

Donald?

The hell? I hate OCs. Who the #$%'s Donald? Another bottom-feeder chickie-poo that wasn't hugged enough as a kid, so now the guy has to write himself into a story about keyholes, deranged animals and candy?

Well, I'll show him who can write! I'm writing my good pal, Jupid!

So yeah, while I was signing the paperwork, Sora, Goofy and that turd-bird there were arriving on a brand new world what did open up unexpected-like.

Although it's not totally unexpected, I mean I was ripping through the worlds like Oogie Boogie rips himself. Seriously, wouldn't that guy get caught on twigs, doorframes and the like?

But Sora and Goofy were in a bit of a pickle (They were hangin' out with an OC, those guys are always bad news!) they couldn't ACTUALLY get inside Woodcarver Village.

I dunno, maybe this is like Metal Gear Solid and you gotta either have the right keycard or drag a body over and-

Heeeeeeeeeey! That there gives me an idear!


	7. Chapter 7

"Quack!"

_**Bam!**_

"Another duck?" I asked myself, holstering the smoking gun.

"Donald!" Sora cried out, rushing to the dead duck's side.

Oh yeah! Chapter 8!

"Listen, kid, I did the guy a favor, do you have ANY idea how bad Y. Pestis is? It's the freakin' _plague_, for crying out loud. That's no way to go."

"You killed him!" Sora accused me with a scowl.

"Killed this guy too," I said, tossing the freshly-dug up corpse of Geppetto.

"Ah! Geppetto!" Sora exclaimed, reeling back from the morbid sight before him and covering his face and noise.

"Yeah, he is a little fresh," I admitted.

Flies and things buzzed around Geppetto's face and hands.

"Gawrsh, Jiminy, I'm scared." Goofy cowered behind his hat.

I drew my gun and aimed it at the walking train-wreck (Notice I didn't point?)

Sora stood in the way, and outstretched his arms.

I raised an eyebrow.

"He's with me."

I holstered my gun and we were taken to the party swap menu.

After cycling over and removing peking duck from the party for the world exclusive Deadpool, (Who was level 99 by the way.) We confirmed the changes and were taken back into the game world.

Donald's corpse disappeared along with the menu. I picked up Geppetto's dead body and deposited it in front of the door to Woodcarver Village.

…..

…..

Wouldn't you know it? I was wrong, this ISN'T Metal Gear Solid. The door stayed closed.

The End.


	8. Chapter 8

What?

Don't look at me like that. How was I suppose to know that the Kingdomverse is totally different from the Gameverse?

Whatever, point is what I just did was Jupid. That's right, I just painted a big ol' bullseye on the back of my – Speaking of which, I wonder what good ol' Bullseye is up to. Last I heard he started up some boy band with little big Normie Osborn.

Heh. Boy bands.

So yeah, I'm going to lay low for while and evade the baby police so don't mind me if I'm absent from the story for a while. Believe you me, baby blasters equal ouchies. Toodles!

A train screeched into the train station and speaking of boy bands, our good ol' former pal Backpack (who isn't real by the way… or.. _is he?_) had some peeps, or would if he could, and those peeps, who may or may not remember him live in a good old town called Twilight Town (ixnay on the ampirevay) 'Boo-hoo, Edward!' I hear you cry, well cry moar, he ain't showing up, and even if he did (surely Master Eraqus isn't THAT desperate for cameo crossover goodness) I'd shoot him faster than you could say Chimichanga! With semi-auto too.

So let's see, steppin' off the train we got. Haystack, Pigpen, and Omelette. Omelette's the girl, though they're all pretty girly. Except Haystack, he rocks the military fatigues. Go Joe! But Pigpen? Only girls go around with doggies on their clothes. Oh and Sion Barzahd! Sora's evil twin, but it's cool, he's _THE BOUNCER._

Speaking of bouncers, what kinda of "Twilight Town" doesn't have strip clubs? And just _WHAT_ is the point of that tram in the tram commons, as far as I can tell it doesn't make any stops and all it does is run over my _SKATEBOARD!_

Thankfully the sheer stupidity of the thing earned a higher place on Jupid's most Jupid list and was blown into next week.

And no, that's a figure of speech, it will _not_ be returning in next week's fanfic.

Speaking of fanfics, I wonder out of the two, who Omelette gets most hooked up with, Pigpen or Haystack?

Personally, Omelettes go better with bacon, so… Pigpen? Here look it up for me will ya? I'd do it myself but if I step foot out of my hidey-hole I might just wind up with a Jupider missle up my heiny-hole.

So our little boy/girl band stepped off the train and headed towards the Usual Spot. Wait, what? That's what it's called? Is it everyone's usual spot? Is it yours? Is it mine?

Who NAMED this place?

It's HARDLY Twilight. Sunset Boulevard is a much better name, and the Usual Spot is more like "Junkheap Lounge For Oddly Named Kids." Or JLFONK for short.

So Haystack, Pigpen and Omelette may or may not be feeling Backpack's absence. Hey, I know I sure do! Or do I? I dunno, this whole thing is mighty confusing.

Only way this place would make sense is if there was an exact replica and-.. wait nope, that doesn't solve anything. Doesn't make any more sense than Stan Lee's infatuation with the Seven Dwarfs. Isn't it Dwarves? Wow, epic fail Yen Sid.

Speaking of Yen Sid, why does that old crank have an express train to Twilight Town? Is he sweat on that old amnesiac lady what can't find her cat? And closes her shop what cuz she's old?

"I'm old so-" Yeah yeah lady we get it, you're a lazy good-for-nothing so much so that MOOGLES make better businessmen than you.

And then there's the seagull that gets letters. Who the heck writes letters to seagulls?

Ansem? "Hear me Seagull, grant me the power of pigeon hearts!"

Namine? "Dear Seagull, you may not know it's me but I know this letter will reach you."

Selphie? "Hey Seagull, remember those boys that use to play with us? Yeah me neither!"

Tidus? "Oh man, you're popular today!"

Wakka? "Hey Seagull. How ya doin', ya? Sorry 'bout your egg. I think Sora ate it really."

Hmm, maybe that's it. Maybe he's receiving checks as compensation for his lost offspring. If that's the case, I bet the whole reason he keeps flying around the tram commons Is because he's lying in wait to dive bomb Omelette on her frequent shopping trips.

But if this place hasn't already proven to you that it's at the top of Jupid's hitlist, just take a look at the other people residing there.

The Paddle-Battle addict, who just can't get enough watching kids whack each other with foam bats. (Okay, creepy)

Vivi, the psychopath faceless killer all wrapped in the visage of a little boy.

Seifer, worse trouble maker. Ever. No seriously, what trouble does he get into, more often then not he's trying to help people find their words, pictures, ghost trains. Or offering up romance via foam bat. (Maybe THAT'S why Portly Paddle Battle man can't get enough? Still creepy.)

Setzer, the guy that everyone doesn't care about. Seriously, even his fangirls aren't important enough to get sprited.

And my absolute favorite Jupid A-lister: Ansem the Wise. Clearly that name is compensating for something. Like his Jupidity.

Seriously, the only person that deserves to survive a Jupid attack is that little street performer girl. She pays me AND rounds up a crowd of adoring fans! The she lets me whack things as much as I want!

So yeah, Jupid showed up and BOOM! Thank goodness I wasn't hiding out there.


	9. Chapter 9

Aw !

I have to !

I need a powerful Jupid distraction.

Where's Tarstain when you need him?

High above the heavens, or perhaps in them even, was a place of great Jupidtude. A single building on a cloud, where swords carved words in the sky and those words spelled "Olympus Coliseum."

That's not dangerous or anything, spontaneous sword strokes.

And where does that sand come from? Boy is heaven sure dirty. They need a visit from Mario's housemaid brother, Luigi.

And what's with that stupid door? Yeah, I like to keep a doorway to the underworld in my heaven too.

So if the real estate hasn't made you commit ritual suicide, the people living on it just might.

Dr. Phil, the goatman. Always telling people things without checking to see who or what they are.

Samwise-ercules, honestly, any self-respecting god who decides to have Sean Astin provide their voice deserves to be backhanded… and THEN blown up by a baby.

Now, Cupid may have his roots in myth. And so may this place, but his cousin Jupid transcends myth altogether, and is firmly rooted in reality. Laying waste to unsuspecting Jupid people everywhere, Jupid has virtually no qualms sorting out family affairs.

Hades? Poof. Gone. That stupid grin alone did him in.

Herc? Took five minutes, easiest boss battle ever.

Goat boy? He was axed the moment he opened his mouth. Didn't see it coming.

Then the non-existent crowd that cheers from the empty sidelines…. Well, they couldn't exactly get killed, they're no more real than Backpack and the feelings of his friends.

One denizen of the Coliseum managed to evade this winnowing. One Zack Fair. Guy must have been pretty smart, he left and hasn't returned in ten years. Yup, smart. Square Enix does it every game and they clearly haven't been paying attention.

"Hoo hoo, not Layton."

So this little piece of paradise was aptly closed down, and still your good friend DP was nowhere to be found.

And I still have to pee.


	10. Chapter 10

So after burying the duck, and re-burying the old woodcarver, I got to thinking.

So what?

I mean, does Sora _NEED_ some old guy who doesn't do a damn thing and some duck that needs a good therapy session?

No!

I'll just find some other schmuck to take their places in Sora's posse.

The kid looked sad and I wasn't keen to leave him by his lonesome. Then I remembered Golfy was there with him. Poor guy had a sad puppy dog face and kept scrunching up his little hat.

Why the heck does he wear such tiny headwear anyway?

Anywho, I knew Sora needed a friend. Someone _reliable and trustworthy_ like me. And I could only think of one such person.

But it'd take some doing to convince them.

So I laid out a plan. Gathered my team and-

"Your team?" Domino asked with a skeptical look.

"Aw nertz, I was saying that all outloud again wasn't I?"

"Yeah, you were." She put a hand on her hip and shifted her weight onto her other foot.

Oh I suppose I should make introductions. Domino is my good pal Cable's former partner, part-time confidante and full-time lover. Or maybe I'm getting a few of those mixed up. I dunno, I just know I body-slid-by-one with the guy once and that was sooo awkward. I can't imagine how she does it on a regular basis.

Or maybe I can.

"Gross!" Domino shouted.

Aw crap, monologuing out loud again.

"Okay! So," I quickly redirected the way things were going, "You take your team and-"

"Capture ponies and unicorns?"

"That's right, and then you-"

"Outfit them with special cloaking devices." Domino finished my sentence once again.

"How DO you do that? GASPERS! You haven't gained new telepathy abilities have you?"

"No D, we've been over this twice already."

"We have?" I asked incrediously.

"Yeah, now can my team and I get started now."

"Sure, sure. Hey, while you're out can you pick up some nachos? I haven't eaten anything this _entire_ trip."

Domino sighed and departed with her team of ragtag mercenaries.

Why don't I have a team of ragtag mercenaries?

"Chicks always get the sweet gigs." I pouted picking up the remote for the TV.

"Re-run. Re-run. Seen it. Don't want to see it. Too boring. Too long. Too stupid. Oh! A Colombo marathon!"

So after consuming like hours of Just-how-does-he-do-it-Colombo, I finally woke up in a face full of popcorn.

"Huh? Wazzat?" I asked the hair supplement commercial.

He repeated something enthusiastically like he was _this_ close to having a stroke. Whatever it was it wasn't helpful. Like at all.

Scratching my butt with the sharp end of my katana, I turned off the TV, stretched and looked at my watch.

"Oh no! I was suppose to check in on Domino! Like 4 hours ago!"

I left so fast I forgot to lock the door.

With a hop, skip and a jog (Wow, that sounds quick but you don't realize how long that last part takes) I burst through the door to Domino's safehouse.

Caliban was sitting at the table slurping on some weird-ass-looking fruit loops while Domino was partway going up the stairs.

I wheezed and huffed and puffed but I done did not blow anything out.

"Jeez Deadpool, what happened?"

"Where's-" I said gesturing down low.

"Oh she's sleeping I guess, something about- Aw crap. She's gone!"

Nertz, and today started out so well too.


End file.
